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E-mails from an Asshole
Angry Fish Tank Guy
Posted at: 2013-06-10 13:08:26 | 24025 comments | Add Comment
Original ad: 55 gallon tank great scratches. comes with filter. $125. 484-***-****. CALL ME ONLY – NO EMAILS. 484-***-****
From Me to Felix *********:
Hey,
That fish tank is beautiful. I must have it! Is it still for sale?
Mike
From Felix ********* to Me:
CALL THE NUMBER
What number?
484-***-****
I just called that number and nobody answered.
i never heard it ring. call again and leave a message if no answer.
I just called again. Nobody picked up so I went to leave you a message, but it said your voicemail was full.
my voicemail isnt full the phone never rang. are you calling the right number? 484-***-****
I just called the number again and I got a fax machine noise. Is there a trick to dialing your number?
what trick??? its a phone number you just dial it!
Are you sure you didn’t give me the number to a fax machine? Would you rather communicate through fax? That would actually be easier for me.
NO!
I wasn’t sure what to do, so I sent you a fax. Did you get it?
DONT SEND ME A FAX
STOP SENDING ME FAXES
SERIOUSLY STOP TRYOING TO SEND FAX! IT WONT WORK BECAUSE ITS A CELL PHONE!!!
Can’t you just set your cell phone to fax machine mode?
what the hell is fax machine mode? cell phones dont have that!
OMG dude ENOUGH WITH THE FAXES!!!!!!
Sorry, I set the fax machine to try sending the fax every fifteen minutes until it goes through. It was the office fax machine and I already left for the weekend. Can this wait until Monday?
NO IT CANT WAIT UNTIL MONDAY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
GO BACK TO YOUR OFFICE AND CANCEL IT RIGHT NOW
My apologies, I can’t go back. I’m at the airport and my flight to Vancouver leaves in an hour and a half. I’ll cancel the fax on Monday when I get back.
HEY! NO! FUCK THAT YOU BETTER FIND A WAY AND CANCEL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!!!! CALL SOMEBODY AT THE OFFICE MAKE THEM DO IT I’M FUCKING SERIOUS
Nobody is at the office, it is 6:30! Actually, you know what? The janitor might be there. We are pretty good friends. Do you want me to contact him?
YES
Okay, I gave him your info. He’s going to call you shortly. I’m on the plane now and they are making us turn our cell phones off for takeoff. Good luck!
DONT HAVE HIM CALL ME YOU IDIOT JUST HAVE HIM CANCEL THE FAX
This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:
I will be out of the office on vacation in Canada until Monday, June 10th. I will not be checking my emails until I return. Have a great weekend, eh?
GOD DAMMIT
===================================
I made another email account as Dave the Janitor…
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Hi there! Is this Felix? Mike told me to contact you about buying a fish tank. I’m Dave, the janitor at Mike’s office. I tried calling the number he gave me but it sounded like a fax machine or something, so I am emailing you instead.
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
yeah hi dave here’s the situation. mike has no idea how phones work and tried to send a fax to my phone using the fax machine at his office. now my phone is getting a call from the fax machine every 15 minutes. he said you can cancel the fax?
Mike didn’t mention anything about a fax machine to me. He told me to buy a fish tank from you and he’d get it from me on Monday.
oh jesus he was supposed to tell you to cancel the fax that keeps calling my phone. are you at his office? can you stop the fax?
So you aren’t selling the fish tank?
look forget the fish tank just stop the fax machine, PLEASE!!
Why are you so worried about this fax machine? Can’t you just turn your cell phone to fax mode?
that isnt a thing! look im done screwing around here. just stop the fax machine, ok?
Tell you what, I’ll cancel the fax machine if you drop the price on the fish tank to $75.
look im in no mood to haggle with a janitor over a fucking fish tank.
Excuse me? “with a janitor? ” What is that supposed to mean? What if I had a fancy rich person job as an investment banker? Would you haggle with me then? I don’t like your condescending tone, buddy. I know being a janitor isn’t the most desirable job, but I gotta put food on the table for my kids somehow! Sorry I’m not an astronaut with a degree in brain surgery! You’re in no mood to argue with a janitor? Well guess what? I am in no mood to turn off fax machines for a rude, snobby, patronizing fish tank owner!
i didnt mean to insult you. i like janitors. im sorry! can you please just turn off the fax machine!
Fine. But I am telling Mike what you said to me and I don’t think he will want to buy a fish tank from you after that. Are you this rude to your fish? Oh I’m Felix! Sorry, I’m in no mood to feed a goldfish! Maybe if you were a $500 Blueface Angel fish I would feed you.
you done?
Yes, I stopped the fax. Sorry it took me so long to figure out how to cancel it. I’m just a janitor. What do I know about fax machines? I don’t have a fancy degree in fax machine engineering.
yeah yeah…. thats enough. thanks bye
A few days later, from my original email account…
Felix,
I just got back from Canada to find out you were belittling my janitor? Dave is one of the best janitors I have ever had the pleasure of working with, so you better watch your mouth. You think you are better than him or something? Big words coming from a guy who doesn’t even own a fax machine. You can forget about me buying your fish tank!
good because im not selling anything to a stupid FUCK who cant even figure out how to dial a phone number!!!!!!!
Please, stop harassing me and Dave. You’ve done enough. Leave us alone.
oh im harassing YOU? the dumbass who sets a fax to send me every 15 minutes and then LEAVES THE FUCKING COUNTRY? you know how many times that fax machine called me you stupid piece of shit you have the nerve to say IM harassing YOU? go fuck yourself you fucking fuckhead!!!!!!
Hola! I will be on vacation in Mexico until Monday, June 17th and will not be checking my email until I return. Adios, amigos!
Stubborn Shovel Seller
Posted at: 2012-08-29 06:27:13 | 3887 comments | Add Comment
Original ad: Pole hedge trimmer for sale – Homelite electric hedge trimmer. Great condition. $50 OBO. Email me at russ*******
From Me to Russ *******:
Hey Russ,
That’s a really nice shovel you have in the picture. Is it for sale?
From Russ ******* to Me:
Sorry guy. Only selling the hedge trimmer.
I’ll give you $10 for the shovel.
Cant you read? The shovel isnt for sale.
You drive a hard bargain on the shovel. I’ll give you $15 for it, and that is my final offer.
Here is my final offer: shut the hell up and leave me alone!
========================================================
Later, from another email account…
Hey I’m emailing you about the shovel. Your asking price of $10 sounds fair to me. And with the free extention cord, that is a steal. I’ll take it!
What are you on about? The shovel isn’t for sale.
Excuse me? That’s not what your ad says.
My ad says nothing about the shovel. I’m selling the hedge trimmer, not the shovel. Look again. Nowhere is a shovel mentioned.
Quit dicking me around. This ad says you are selling the shovel!
I can assure you I am not Jewish so you can stop pretending you aren’t selling the shovel.
Oh my god… I swear I didnt put that up. Somebody is messing with me!
Can you send me the link to that ad so I can have them take it down?
Sorry, I can’t find the link anymore. My wife needed to use the computer so I had to delete my browsing history because I was looking at porn earlier. It was somewhere in the stuff for sale section, if I’m not does this mean I can’t buy your shovel?
From another email account…
Dear Anti-Semite douchebag,
I got a bone to pick with you. I came across your ad in my search for a new shovel and it seemed like a great deal. Until I read your disgusting comment about not selling the shovel to Jewish people. How the hell do you think that is acceptable in this day and age? What does it matter what religion someone is for you to sell them a shovel? This is absolutely despicable and an outrage to the Jewish community. You make me sick.
Sincerely NOT buying your shovel of hatred,
Mordecai Goldstein
I don’t have a problem with jews at all! Someone else put that ad up to mess with me and I cant find where it is! Can you send me the link to the ad please??
Why don’t you shovel your Nazi bullshit to someone else? This “Jew” isn’t buying it!
He finally decided to email my original account:
Look you little prick I know you put that fucking ad up and you need to take it the fuck down RIGHT NOW. I’m not selling the fucking shovel GET OVER IT and quit being immature you son of a bitch.
I’m sorry, I thought I was doing you a favor. I wanted you to see how many great offers you could get if you decided to sell the shovel.
I’M NOT SELLING THE FUCKING SHOVEL LET IT GO! Tell me this asshole if you were doing a favor then why did you put that shit about the jews in there???
I detected some strong anti-Semitic undertones in our initial conversation… I just assumed you were an anti-Semite. My apologies.
TAKE THE AD DOWN
I emailed him one last time, from another account.
Good afternoon!
I saw your ad for the shovel for sale. I’m more interested in the axe you have in that picture. Are you selling the axe? I’ll give you $20 cash for it.
– Dave
Glorious Master Translator
Posted at: 2012-04-23 17:29:34 | 2575 comments | Add Comment
Original ad: I need someone who speaks japanese to help me translate something. wont take too long. please email me ASAP!
From Me to ************@***********
Hi! You need Japanese translate? I Chan, I help you with translate.
– Chan
From Scott ******* to Me:
hey chan. so ok heres the deal. my cd player suddenly stopped working and i cant figure out why. for some reason the only manual i have is entirely in japanese. i took a pic of the page im pretty sure its the trouble shooting part. can you see if it says anything about no sound coming from the output?
From Me to Scott *******:
Ok, I find three thing may help you:
“Failure of Sound from Device”
“Skipping of disc for poor sound”
“Sound volume low very much”
does it say for the failure of sound one?
“Hello and thank you for chose glorious master CD player! Apologies many for trouble of product. To fix failure of the sound, follow step:
1. Unplug glorious master CD player
2. Plug glorious master CD player back in”
I hope this help!
that doesnt help me at all. is that all it says?
Oh no! Very sorry. There more steps to help you! Here:
“If still experience failure of the sound, your glorious master CD player possessed by audio demon. To banish audio demon, follow step:
1. Ignite seven candle
2. Pray to Benzaiten, Goddess of Music
3. Benzaiten will banish audio demon to eternal suffering
4. Try play CD again
If you fail banishing of audio demon, you failure. Much dishonor of family name. Suggest immediate death by Seppuku. ”
I hope you banish audio demon! Much luck.
wtf? does it really say that?
I just translate what you give.
no way it says that. what kind of useless manual is this? how is that supposed to help anyone?
Very sorry, audio demon big problem with many CD player! I have sword, much sharp, good for seppuku. You want borrow?
wtf are you talking about. an audio demon? this is BS. are you screwing with me?
did i send the wrong page? i think this is the table of contents. can you look at this and tell me which page is the troubleshooting one? then ill send you that one
That no table of content, that Sushi take-out menu! Try #16, Spicy Salmon Roll! Much delicious!
buddy. thanks for nothing you jackass
Later, from another email account
From Me to *********@*********
Hey there,
I saw your ad and think I can help you. I majored in Japanese in college, speak it fluently, and lived in Miyazaki for two years.
thanks so much mike. i was talking to someone else for help, but idk what his problem was. dude kept sending me all this BS. anyway my cd player isnt working and the manual is only in japanese so i need help reading the troubleshooting part. i think the attached picture is the table of contents, could you see if it says what page the troubleshooting part is on and then ill send you that?
You sent me a sushi take-out menu. Are you sure you have the right documents?
wtf!!! i dont know what is going on! it has a picture of the cd player on the front and then this is the next page. why would they put a sushi menu in there?
Japanese instruction manuals are not like the American manuals you are used to. They often include advertisements, and I guess in this case, a sushi menu. Looking at it closer, it says “Thank you for purchasing this glorious master CD player. Why not order sushi while you enjoy music? ”
well that is dumb… whatever. i think this page is the troubleshooting part because of the tables. am i right? do you see anything about there not being any sound?
Yes, this is the right page. It says to unplug it and plug it back in.
yea i did that. nothing. is that it?
Well, you’re not gonna want to hear this, but it says your CD player is possessed by Amanojaku, or “audio demon. ” You should light three candles and pray to Benzaiten, the god of music.
Scott? Were you able to banish the audio demon?
Lost
Posted at: 2012-01-24 00:00:00 | 1276 comments | Add Comment
Original ad: 36″ RCA tube TV for sale. good condition. pickup only. very heavy. first with $50 gets it. no phone- email only.
From Me to ************@*********
I want your TV. I have $50 cash and can pick it up anytime. What is your number? I’ll call you for directions.
From Steve ***** to Me:
hi mike. i live at 54 ********* dr. can you get it today? i dont have a phone so just show up and knock on my door. ill be home all day sound good?
From Me to Steve *****:
Sounds good. I’ll be over in a few hours.
Thanks,
Hey, I’m on Pughtown Rd right now but I am having trouble finding your house. Can you help me out? I pulled over on Wilson Rd and I’ll wait for your instructions.
Sent via Blackberry
i dont live on pughtown. i live on ******** dr. if you turn rite onto pughtown, then rite on bethel rd from pughtown it will take you there.
Okay, I turned onto Pughtown again but I don’t see Bethel Rd. I crossed over a river and now it says I am coming up on Route 113. Am I going the right direction?
no. i said make a rite on pughtown. you made a left. turn around and go the other way. your not even close so you have a way to go.
Uh… I turned around and I’m still not seeing Bethel. It looks like I’m at Pughtown and Rt. 100. Should I go down that?
NO! you drove passed bethel dude IT INTERSECTS WITH PUGHTOWN. turn around and it will be on your LEFT
I already turned onto Rt. 100 because you took too long to respond. It is kind of hard to turn around on this road. Doesn’t 100 intersect with 113? I’m just going to do that and then loop around back to Pughtown Rd.
no dont do that!! you will be on 100 for like 15 miles before that happens! just turn around and get back on pughtown this should be easy
This would be much easier if I could just call you. What is your phone number?
i already told you i dont have a phone. how is this so confusing to you? where are you now?
I think I’m on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. It says the next exit is King of Prussia in 15 miles. Should I get off at that exit?
dude why the FUCK would you get on the turnpike? didnt you notice something was wrong WHEN YOU HAD TO GO THRU A FUCKING TOLL???? jesus man you are hopeless!
Calm down. No need for profanities. I saw the toll and realized something was wrong, but there wasn’t anywhere for me to turn around so I just went through it. I accidentally went through the EZ-PASS thing instead of the regular toll and I think it took a picture of my license plate. Should I get off at the King of Prussia exit? I just passed a billboard for Geico insurance, if that helps.
i cant help you. you are beyond lost. next time get a fucking GPS if you are this bad with directons
Well, I hope you are happy. I just got pulled over for texting while driving, and going 103 in a 65. The cop is running my information right now.
how the fuck is that my fault!?
Apparently my registration and insurance are expired, so they are towing my car. Also, they said there is a bench warrant out for my arrest for not paying some speeding ticket I got last year. They are taking me to a police station in Norristown. The cop said I should be processed in a few hours. Would you be able to bail me out? Bring the TV, too. They are taking my phone now so I won’t be able to talk to you after this.
are you fucking with me? im sorry dude but you are a fucking idiot and im done dealing withyou
==============================
EPILOGUE – SEVERAL DAYS LATER
Hey, it is Mike again. Where were you? You never came to bail me out. I had to get a bail bondsman and now I owe like $1500. On top of that, they found a bowl and some weed in my car, and a little bit of cocaine. I’m getting charged with possession, which is going to cost me a fortune. Plus my speeding ticket which is going to be over $200. Seeing as this is your fault, I think you should pay me at least $500 as compensation. I don’t know when I will get my car back so you will have to bring the $500 to me. I live in West Chester, when can you come with the money? Also, bring the TV.
listen up you stupid fuckhead. i gave you the easiest directons and you still got fucking lost. did i ask you to go on the turnpike and get pulled over for speeding like a fucking idiot? did i ask you to have drugs in your car? NO. you must be smoking crack if you think im giving you $500 and the tv. im surprised the cops didnt find crack in your car you fucking crackhead. none of this is my fault you are just a fucking dipshit that cant follow directons so fuck the fuck off and never email me again!!!!
oh and i sold the tv to someone else and the guy had no problems finding my house cause HES NOT A FUCKING MORON
Special Skaters
Posted at: 2011-11-08 05:25:19 | 1452 comments | Add Comment
Original ad: Attention all ice skaters and hockey players! Volunteers needed to train children participating in the Special Olympics hockey team. Anyone with adequate skating skill can be used to help teach our athletes to skate. Please call 410-***-**** or respond to the email address above.
Judy
From Me to ************@**********
Judy,
I am writing in response to your ad regarding helping children learn to skate.
I was a legend in minor league hockey until my career was cut short by a career ending injury. I still love the game of hockey though and would love to pass on my skills to your wonderful children. I look forward to hearing from you.
From Judy ******* to Me:
Mike,
I am sorry to hear about your injury. That is very unfortunate. Are you still able to skate? I only ask because we need someone to skate one-on-one with the children.
From Me to Judy *******:
Oh yes, I am still able to skate. I think you misunderstood me. My career was cut short because I was banned after causing another player to have a career ending injury. It was an unfortunate accident, but the league came down extremely hard on me. It really wasn’t fair, if you ask me.
Yikes! What were the circumstances of the ban/injury, if you don’t mind me asking?
Not at all. It really wasn’t a big deal. The guy was fine, but everyone turned it into this huge ordeal. During a fight, I broke his eye socket, fish-hooked his cheek apart and slashed his achilles tendon with my skate. He also suffered brain damage from blood loss, but that is more the paramedics fault than mine for letting him bleed out for so long. Looks like the only sport he’ll be playing now is “shitting in a bag” (heh heh). Anyway, the pussies at the commissioner’s office considered it “gross misconduct” and “assault” and gave me a lifetime ban. Can you believe that? I thought this was supposed to be hockey!
So like I said, I was a legend in minor league hockey. My nickname used to be “Murderin’ Mike” (don’t worry, I never actually murdered anyone. It was just a cute nickname). I won more fights than everyone else in the division combined. In fact, I’ve only ever lost one fight on the ice. But I won the rematch in the parking lot (thank you, tire iron! ) I know everything there is to know about fighting and would love to pass on my skills to your kids. If you want them to be the best damn hockey fighters in the special olympics, I am your guy. With my training, the other teams won’t stand a chance. The ice will be stained with their blood, teeth, and broken dreams.
I am currently in between jobs so I can dedicate a lot of time to helping out.
Best,
Murderin’ Mike
What do you think this is? The Special Dlympics are for the mentally handicapped. You know that, right? What you described is brutally violent and has no place in the Special Olympics. Frankly I think you deserve to be in jail. Thank you and goodbye.
Whoa there. Don’t be so dismissive! Do you even know anything about hockey? It sounds to me like you think hockey is just soccer on ice. Well I’ve got news for you, Judy, you couldn’t be more wrong. In hockey, we don’t fake injuries and have to miss half the season due to a pulled vagina muscle. We fight it out like men. Fighting is what hockey is all about. It is a tradition that dates back to the first hockey game ever played. If you want your kids to learn how to play hockey, they are going to have to learn how to fight.
I’ll teach your kids how get away with everything without the referee seeing it. I’ll show them how to make butt-ending, head checking, slashing and tripping look like an accident. They’ll learn how to fight like hockey players. I have a whole set of moves I like to use during fights. My personal favorite is the “bowling ball”, where you gouge both of the opponent’s eyes and then jam your thumb into the roof of their mouth. I used that during a fight once and the guy actually started convulsing! It struck fear into the heart of the other team and we ended up winning the game.
With my expert training, your team will be the most feared team in the entire special olympics. Please reconsider hiring me.
You aren’t coming anywhere near these children. Your attitude towards this whole thing is disgusting. Its absolutely disturbing that you find this kind of behavior acceptable. Especially for mentally handicapped children. I don’t know what kind of insane league you played in but that is not the level of intensity that’s meant for these children.
Oh, I get it. You’re saying that because these kids are mentally handicapped, that they don’t deserve to be treated like regular people? Instead, you want to point out their disabilities and tell them that they will never be able to play hockey like normal people. When I saw in your ad that the kids were mentally challenged, I wasn’t fazed. I didn’t see kids with disabilities, I saw kids that I could turn into great hockey players. Do you not want them to be able to play hockey like everybody else plays it?
Give me a freaking break. You know that isn’t what I meant. Don’t pull that card on me. You expect me to believe that a violent psychopath like you genuinely wants to help the mentally challenged play hockey? Yeah, right! You don’t give a damn about these children.
I am starting to think that you are the problem with this team, not the kids. You do not have the right attitude to be working with these kids. If you want to tell these kids that they shouldn’t learn hockey the right way because they are mentally challenged, then that is just sad. It is a shame that you are taking away the joy of competitive sports from these kids. Competitive sports are great for kids – it keeps them from turning to drugs and violence in the streets.
Can I please talk to your supervisor? I would like to take your position and suggest that you be fired. You clearly do not have the right attitude to be helping mentally challenged kids.
Sincerely looking forward to taking your job,
Sure – her number is 1-800-GOTO-HELL
Sincerely done talking to you,
New to the site?
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What is this?
This is a collection of e-mails I have sent to people who post classified ads.
My goal is to mess with them, confuse them, and/or piss them off.
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How Do I Reply to Craigslist Emails Anonymously? – Small …
Craigslist offers an anonymous email to advertisers on the site, so they do not have to reveal their real email address. All replies sent to this anonymous email is forwarded to their actual email. This extra steps prevents others from having access to a poster’s real address. Unfortunately, no such protection exists for those replying to posts. When you reply directly from Craigslist, your email address will be visible to the recipient. To reply anonymously, you need to create a free Web-based email address, which does not contain identifiable information. Go to a free Web-based email service, such as Gmail, Yahoo! Mail or Hotmail. Choose to create a new account and follow the service’s instructions. When creating your username, which is usually the first part of the email address, avoid using any identifiable information, especially your real name. Go to and locate the ad you want. Click and drag your mouse over the email address to highlight the entire address. Hold the “Ctrl” key and press “C” to copy the address. Return to your new Web-based email account, choose to compose a new email and click in the “To” field. Hold the “Ctrl” key and press “V” to paste the address in the field. Compose your email and click “Send” to send your email anonymously. References Tips When posting an ad, you should also use an anonymous email account. That way, if someone replies to you, you can respond without revealing your real email address. You may also copy the email directly from a received email and paste it into your Web-based account, just as described here. Writer Bio C. Taylor embarked on a professional writing career in 2009 and frequently writes about technology, science, business, finance, martial arts and the great outdoors. He writes for both online and offline publications, including the Journal of Asian Martial Arts, Samsung, Radio Shack, Motley Fool, Chron, Synonym and more. He received a Master of Science degree in wildlife biology from Clemson University and a Bachelor of Arts in biological sciences at College of Charleston. He also holds minors in statistics, physics and visual arts.
about | help | replying to posts – craigslist
1. Click “Reply. ”
2. A window with response options will appear.
To use your default mail program, click the blue response link at the top.
If you use one of the listed webmail services, click the corresponding icon.
To use an alternate email program you will need to copy and paste the reply-to address.
3. Make sure the response address is highlighted and copy it to your clipboard.
On a PC: right-click on the email address and then select “copy” or “copy email address. ”
On a Mac: hold down the Control key and then click on the email address. When a menu pops up, select “copy” or “copy email address. ”
4. Now open your email program and start a new message.
5. Paste the response address into the “To” field.
On a PC: right-click on the to box and then select “paste. ”
On a Mac: hold down the Control key and then click inside the to box. When a menu pops up, select “paste. ”
If you successfully pasted the address, it will appear in the “To” field.
6. Now compose your response and send it as you would any other email.
